This morning I woke up feeling exhausted – even though Easton slept all night, I still feel like I got no sleep. I think sometimes that is the hardest part of being a mom – feeling so tired and knowing you are not going to be able to sleep all day – or perhaps that is the hardest part of being depressed.
Corey took the truck today, which happened to have Easton’s car seat in it – I really hate when he does this, I feel trapped – I can’t leave the house or go for a sanity drive. I don’t really know why he does this so frequently. It’s almost as though he doesn’t care that I’ll be stuck at home all day, he doesn’t care that sitting at home every single day is driving me nuts, he just doesn’t care.
Most of today I spent in my fog – when my depression becomes so bad I feel as though I am in another world looking down on myself, I call this my fog. I did my regular day-to-day chores and activities with the kids, had a short conversation with the neighbor and counted down the minutes left until bedtime.
I don’t know why bedtime is what I look forward to the most – perhaps it’s so my kids don’t have to see me sad anymore, or because I get hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day – or maybe it’s because I know I can finally have my mental breakdown and no one will have to know about it.
Living in the fog again – the days are extremely slow but the months are flying by. Looking back, this past year has flown by. I don’t really remember most of it – which is the scariest part of depression. Most days, this makes me feel the most guilty – guilty for my kids. Why do they have a mom who is so absent? Why did Hudson get my full attention when he was a baby, and Easton get this poor excuse for a mom? They deserve so much better than this, they deserve happiness, and laughing and trips to the park everyday. Not someone who spends all day crying or wishing it was bedtime.
I decided to start a diet and exercise routine tomorrow – in hopes that may snap me out of this fog. I know if I feel better physically it will help mentally. But I am an emotional eater, when I am sad I eat. It is so crazy how my brain works – I have learned so much in school about mental illness, I know how to make myself feel better, but I can never follow through with the execution of it. Why? If I could just stick to a diet, exercise more, get out of the house more and take my vitamins – I could be myself. Tomorrow I will be better.
I didn’t start a diet, or exercise. I woke up in a fog again, so finding the motivation to do anything other than lay on the couch is hard. Sometimes the guilt of not doing things with the kids all day becomes so overwhelming that it pushes me further into my depression. Its like the cycle is never-ending, and everything I do makes it worse.
This is the worst my depression has been in years, I can barely make it through the day – just to do it all over again. I start fights with Corey because I expect him to understand me. How is he supposed to understand something I don’t even understand myself? The scariest part of depression, is feeling like you are alone. He asks how he can help me all the time – I wish I had an answer – it’s becoming more apparent that I am not going to be able to get through this alone.
It’s so scary not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel – I really don’t see myself getting through this! I will just have to learn to deal with it, deal with being sad everyday, deal with being unhappy, deal with just being and not actually living.
Its been a few days, I am still feeling the same. Starting to get frustrated with people (its my cycle – I get sad, mad, sad again and then have a few good days). I make an effort to be happy when people are over, or we go somewhere. I try to engage in conversations. I begin to feel better – talking to adults, getting out of my head, then I will say something and I can literally see it in their eyes – they aren’t listening, they don’t really care what I have to say.
So I get mad. Mad that no one care. Mad that no one is listening. Mad that I have to be here, and go through this on my own. I’ll go to bed mad tonight, and I know the fog isn’t going away anytime soon.
Sleep was out of the question last night – I couldn’t shut my mind off. Thinking of things people have said to me, things I have done in the past, and things that make me sad – basically just torturing myself. I finally got to sleep around 5 AM, and then Easton woke up at 6. Its going to be a long day.
I’ll try to get out of the house, maybe I’ll take the kids to the park, or grab a few groceries. I have to keep my mind off the fact I didn’t sleep.
I’m going to try to shower today – I am not sure the last time I actually had a shower was. Gross I know. But I barely have the motivation to get up in the morning, let alone take care of myself. My only priority is the boys. I need to make more time for myself, a shower would make me feel better, but its hard. I feel guilty asking Corey to watch them while I take a shower – silly right? He’s their father, I don’t have to ask him to watch them, I don’t have to feel guilty for taking a shower.
I got in a quick shower last night, which gave me just enough motivation to take my vitamins. So I went to bed with high hopes that I would feel a little better today. So far so good.
I decided to grab some groceries today, and brought the kids to the park on the way home. It’s so nice to get out in the fresh air – maybe I am lacking vitamin D? I should probably get a blood test done, maybe the answer to my problems could be as easy as a vitamin deficiency.
I was having a good day, until I started to get in my head. Why do I do this? My life is good, I have an amazing husband who works so hard for our family, I have two amazing boys who make me laugh and thank god everyday, I have a roof over my head, I have 2 brand new cars, I have food on the table. Life is good. Why is that not enough to make me happy? But I always have to look at the negative in things.
I don’t have a job.
I don’t like my body.
I don’t laugh enough.
I don’t play with the kids enough.
I don’t appreciate Corey enough.
I had a minor mental breakdown last night – and surprisingly it made me feel a little bit better. Sometimes you just need a good cry. Today I made a promise to myself to try to stay positive. Whenever I start having a negative thought, I need to stop myself and think of something that makes me happy, or something I am thankful for.
Playing outside with the kids really seems to help keep my mind busy. And it makes my heart so full to watch them play so well together – even if it’s in the mud. These two little humans are what keeps me going every day, I don’t know what I would do without them.
Surprisingly feeling a little more like myself, I got out of the house a few days ago – took the kids to the post office, and grabbed a coffee. A man I was close to when I worked was in the drive-thru behind me, so I decided to buy his coffee – not thinking he would remember me.
As I was checking out at the grocery store the next day, that same man approached me, remembered who I was and thanked me for the coffee. It was so nice to see someone from my past and have the opportunity to catch up with him. It was nice to run into someone I knew when I wasn’t depressed, it brought back so many memories of happiness – this may be exactly what I needed to draw me out of this fog!
I am thankful. This has been a long hard journey, but I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I wrote a list of things that make me happy, and I have been looking at it every time I start to get upset.
Hudson has been so sweet these past few weeks, he is always taking care of his mama and brother, and it makes my heart so happy. Today while I was busy washing dishes he noticed his brothers face was dirty – he was so quick to wipe it clean and gave him a kiss on the head. I broke down in tears. Not sad tears today. I was so glad to see that he is so loving and caring – even when sometimes I am not.
One of the worst things about being a depressed mom, is having your kids watch you suffering. I don’t want them to grow up thinking I am always sad, or blaming themselves for my depression. That is literally my worst fear.
I have been having some amazingly good days. I have been enjoying every moment with the boys, talking to Corey more, getting out of the house, and staying away from the negative thoughts.
I think being able to focus on something other than my own thoughts has really been my saving grace this time. My blog has been keeping me super busy, and its nice to talk to other moms – but school has also been a huge distraction. I am finally feeling like myself. I wake up happy, and go to bed feeling accomplished. Its amazing. I feel like a better mom, a better wife – overall just a better person.
The fog is back.
Disclosure: I wrote this in hopes of showing other people they are not alone – being depressed doesn’t mean you spend all day laying in bed, forgetting life’s responsibilities. You have to get up, put a smile on your face, and go on with life. But that doesn’t mean its easy – I go to bed every night not knowing how I am going to feel the next day. I wanted to write this to show to you how someone with depression may have good days, for weeks at a time. And then depression will hit them like a truck, and they have very low days.
If you haven’t already, you should check out my other depression related posts. You can overcome this, depression does not define you.